About 9 months ago, I would like to think I had the perfect teenage life. I went where I wanted. I snuck out and partied with my friends. I got invited to everything. I had a boyfriend who I loved and he loved me. I had a perfect family. It was weird to me how I was still so sad all the time. I was constantly looking for the next rush to make my life “better.”
As time went on, I still wasn’t happy. I was often confused why I was feeling this way. What I didn’t realize is that when I thought I was at my highest, I was at my lowest. I began cutting. I continued crying every night not knowing how to fix myself. I didn’t know why I felt this way. All I did was have fun. “A 16 year old shouldn’t be feeling this way. What’s wrong with me?.” I thought.
I lost my best friend. I lost my boyfriend. I disappointed my family. My friends were making memories without me. I truly felt alone. My life was “perfect,” so how could it come to this. I felt that I was absolutely worthless and I was just a huge screw up.
As I was going through this time, I had lots of people behind me and support me. Thank God for that because I don’t know where I’d be without them. I had my sister, Karli, my brother, Billy, my sister in law, Valerie, my parents, and someone began to disciple me who turned out to be one of my best friends, named Jess. But I was lost. I didn’t know how to get myself out of the mess I created. I was so scared.
That’s when I truly started to pursue God. I had a whole team of people behind me. I remember the first time I actually tried to read the Bible. Jess gave me a storybook book Bible and I honestly thought it was kind of stupid at first, until I started to read. Through that I began to see the hope in God. I realized God doesn’t see me as a screw up. He sees me as his beautiful child who He died for. That’s when I decided to get my own real Bible. It is now probably my favorite thing I own. It’s crazy to think how fasts I began to realize my worth through reading this book.
By no means is my life perfect. I still have bad days. I still feel worthless sometimes. I still get lonely. I still mess up. I still cry. At times, I still feel scared. The difference is that when I do feel those emotions, I know who I can turn to, God! “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I found my hope. I found myself in Him. I found that God is greater than any “high” I could ever get.